I know that this is the second part of this series, but it’s the last one I’m writing. The third part, Home, came together effortlessly. Like the post basically wrote itself. The first installment, Hands, was a little harder for me to squeak out- I feel like I still haven’t landed on the right wording or something. And this one? FORGET IT. I’ve been avoiding this post for months. Like literal months. When I first had the idea for this series I thought this post would be the easiest one to write. And I had all these things I was going to put in this post. And now I either can’t remember them or think they were a bad idea.
I should briefly mention that at least one person in our house has been sick- nearly every day- since Thanksgiving. Sure, there might have been a few days of health here and there, but it has been a brutal winter on Team Pelzel. It’s late March now and we’ve been in the Health Clear for… 5 days maybe? And please, please Jesus let this be the end! Because I CAN’T EVEN with sickness anymore. I had the flu for an entire month and just now feel like I’m getting back on my feet. We’ve also been doing a myriad of house projects and have transformed the style and feel of our home for cheap cheap cheap because we are penny pinchers and I have a serious design commitment issue. My poor but wonderful husband- walking through 7 years with my ever changing style and he’s so kind about it. (Or at least now he is, after seven years of coaching and fit throwing from yours truly.) So while I’ve been on a temporary (and completely unintentional) writing hiatus, I’ve had some time to reflect on this blog and what my Heart is “for” in this season.
I jokingly told my mother in law that I was struggling to write lately, and that the only thing my heart was “for” was not being sick. “But maybe that’s not bad.” she said, “There’s something there I think!” And while that feels ugly and shallow on the surface, I do think that she was right and there is something to it.
I’ve mentioned before that I never wanted to be a Stay At Home Mom– I was previously under the assumption that they were lazy and that my life calling was too big to throw away on something as foolish as taking time to stay at home with my kids (insert annoyed/embarrassed eye roll here). And while I obviously now know that Stay At Home Moms don’t just “sit on the floor and play with babies” all day, I often struggle with this season that I’m in. I struggle because I catch glimpses of dreams that now seem impossible with a growing family. Are they impossible? Of course not. But there is so much more to consider now than when I was 21. And single. And knew everything.
I wanted to share my mama heart with you today- the unfinished, work in progress heart- so that you can know me and my blog a little better.
My heart is for creativity- knowing our Creator more as I create.
I connect with God the most when I am being creative. I can feel the Holy Spirit move in me and through me- like He’s the one doing the creating and I just get to be along for the fabulous ride. Whether it’s writing, sewing, designing, painting, singing, playing my guitar, crafting of any kind, or (recently) woodworking with the hubs- man. I just love to make. And my heart is to share this love and give you an outlet to connect with God through creating as well.
My heart is for my family.
I never wanted to be a stay at home mom but I gotta tell ya- I freaking love it. I mean, do I love it at 3am when Screams McGee won’t sleep? No. Because I’m a monster when I’m tired but whatevs. But the truth is, I am beyond thankful to be able to stay at home with my babies and tenderly nurture the connections I have with the people who matter the most to me. Our life group is finishing up a parenting series by Danny Silk called Loving Our Kids On Purpose and it’s been wrecking my heart. In it, he focuses on connection above consequences and it’s really been challenging us in this season to think outside the box with our girls. Though I often rest in the tension of wanting to do more in this season I constantly remind myself, “What is more important than raising functional human beings? Nothing.” Because I can’t think of a single thing that trumps nurturing a little soul. Does that mean I think mamas shouldn’t work? OF COURSE NOT. You do you girl. And truthfully- if you’re a working mama I’m jealous that you get to leave your house and have adult conversations every day. I just mean that for me- when I’m feeling discontent with my season– I need to be reminded of my “Why”. And my “Why” is raising up my children to become adults who know and love the Lord and who turn to Him in every situation. I have been told over and over that this season will fly by and friend- I’m not about to let it leave without sowing and gleaning as much as I can from it.
My heart is for the nations.
After returning from my first trip to Zambia in 2007 I announced to the world that I would be moving to Africa and never returning. When Nathan and I were engaged we went to Zambia together because I was like, “Listen babe- if you’re going to marry me then you need to go to Africa with me because that’s where we’re going to live and me me me me me.” And truthfully he was into it. We planned to move and serve there in some capacity after he finished school, before we had babies. Well, he never finished his degree and we got surprised with a pregnancy shortly after we tied the knot soooo that plan was a bust. And to tell you the truth, it’s been a huge source of insecurity for me. If I’m not careful, my “what if’s?” can quickly take me over and lead my thoughts down a scary path. And the funny thing is that for most people, they’d have the opposite problem- being fearful of God calling them to be missionaries in a hard place. But for me the opposite has been true; the scary calling became staying here in the states and being a stay at home mom. For a long time, I let the sadness of the death of a dream consume me. It’s hard not to. But I’ve learned to hold dreams with an open hand, asking God to lead me- whatever that looks like. I’ve seen little glimmers of hope for my dream to serve/work around the globe lately, and when it all falls into place I just know that I will be thankful that it happened slowly and not hot-mess-fast like I initially prefer things.
And finally, my heart is to get some freaking sleep.
Yeah, yeah, yeah that’s way less spiritual/inspiring than the rest of my list. I know. But I gotta tell you- I will throw every last plan out the window at a moment’s notice if it means I can sleep for just an hour more. After a hard night with my littlest sweets I wake up thinking, “Ella doesn’t REALLY need to go to school today, right? It’s just kindergarten. Not college. Me getting enough sleep is way more important that her education.” Obviously that’s my lack of sleep talking, but the trenches of motherhood can just be so deep sometimes that they can talk me into anything. And it’s for this reason that my heart is really for mamas. There’s something about walking through a season with someone that can turn it from a trudge to a stroll. And if you’re in the trenches of motherhood and feeling alone, I want you to know that I am here with you, friend. I’m with you in the mess, in the tears, in the high highs and in the low lows. And I’m also with you in the never ending cleaning of poop. Or is that just me?
If you were sitting with me on my kid-stained couch today, I’d offer you some hot coffee or tea because it’s cloudy out and it will likely be the last overcast day we’ll see for months here. I’d tell you of all the passions and dreams I had before marriage and babies took over my life. I’d tell you that I have way too many passions and that I don’t quite know how they’ll come together. But somehow, I’m confident that they will. And then I’d ask about you– about your passions, what you thought your life would turn out to be, and what you’ve done with the inevitable disappointments that you’ve faced. Maybe you’ve faced them, and maybe you haven’t. Maybe they’re buried deep and just sitting on my couch with a friend asking is too much to handle. I get that. I’d take your hand, look into your eyes and say to you, “Yeah. The treasures of our heart can feel so heavy, and sometimes too much to bear. Don’t bear them alone anymore, friend. Hand them to Jesus, He’s so strong. They aren’t heavy to Him, and He can keep them safe.”
And then I’d definitely laugh upon realizing that Jesus is anything BUT safe. He’s wild. He’s brave. His love is reckless and yet somehow, He is gentle and patient with us as we surrender to that wild love and learn to let it fill us up. And something tells me that His dreams for you are even more beautiful and wild than what you can picture right now.
Wherever you’re at with your dreams today, friend, hand them over to the King. Once they are in His hands and not ours, we can trust Him to do immeasurably more with us than we ever dreamed. Wherever your heart is today and whatever it is for, I am honored to have you read along in this journey with me and my heart is for you, dear one. Let’s run towards Him, together.